Of mini bombs and salt

A mini bomb fell over our heads yesterday, a warning sign that I knew was coming straight at us. Except that I didn’t think it was going to hit J. He’s been experiencing heart pain lately, the kind where you feel like your heart is constricting. As if that wasn’t scary enough, he was always tired and sleeping everywhere. I though, diabetes, for sure. Brought on with the fact that diabetes is very present in the First Nations community, and that Jeff loves everything sugar, I thought, this is it, what we’ve been waiting for. I mean, let’s be honest here, were both overweight, not exercising enough, and even though the food we eat has tremendously improved in the last year or so, there is still vast  grounds for improvement.

But it wasn’t diabetes. It was high blood pressure. My husband had 160/120 bp, and now needs to go get some blood and stress tests done. Did I mention he’s 23? This is scary. As. Fuck. I’ve been reading up on what it means to have those numbers, and I’m honestly terrified. I mean out of the two of us, I’m much bigger and less in shape than he is, so why did he have that, instead of me? Life is stressful in general, but obviously he’s been feeling it more, and I’ve had a part to play in it as well, I’m not the most relaxing person to have around, sometimes. I feel very guilty, guilty for the stress that I may have caused, guilty for not forcing him/us to eat better, guilty for not putting my husband and my own health as a priority.

So before we know the results of those tests, we know how to help our situation. We need to watch the sodium levels of everything we intake, drink more water and less everything else, and exercise. This is like a major, nasty, brutal wake up call for me. My doctor’s always been honest and upfront, and straight up told me that if I didn’t change my ways, I’d be heading straight for blood and/or heart disease. I acknowledge that fact, and I also acknowledge that it didn’t scare me very much. My twisted lazy logic told me that I was already sick, and quite honestly, I’ve always been a bit on the extreme side of the live-for-the-moment movement, but that’s another story. But this, THIS, is different. This isn’t me, I can’t suffer through this in silent, this is J. Never in my craziest day-mares did I imagine him getting sick with anything more than what I have, and I can’t let this slide anymore. This being our lifestyle. Thank God, I have my sister Cat who just graduated her CEGEP in nutrition and heading to McGill to help us out with our food, and my older sister Amanda who is a nurse to help us out with what we can do NOW, and what all those medical references mean. Thank God for family.

This is our wake up call. This is what we knew was going to happen, but never really fully understood its consequences. We can’t play around with this, with our health anymore. Time has run out, and we need to get a move on.  If you know anything about HBP, lived through a similar situation, or have any tips that could help us, please don’t hesitate to comment and let me know! And for anyone up in God’s corner, remember us in your prayers please, were going to need all the help and courage we can get!

Mother's Day

I love my mother to the ends of the earth and back again. The shit this woman has gone through (and still goes through) for me and for everyone around her is truly mind blowing. That she can still stand straight and laugh it all off is quite humbling. I dont even have the words to express what my mother means to me, what shes done for me, and what she represent to me. I can say, without a doubt in my heart, that if/when I have children, if by the grace of God, I can be even half the woman she is, then I will surely get an award for the best damn mother there could possibly be.

Merci maman, pour tout.

 

 

T Date II

T Date

Drawing out the demons

-Abortion

 

 

 

"Art is a wound turned into light."
 Georges Braque

Beautifying God's Word

I find myself empassioned lately to make beautiful (in my opinion anyways) things, and this project caught me out of nowhere. I was just cleaning my art room, and I saw that frame my friend had given me awhile back and I had still done nothing with, beside that old calendar I had kept because I eventually wanted to do something with it. Bam, recycling art project. Give in and let the creative juices flow, mon ami.

 

Winter is long

It seems this year that the winter is dragging on, both physchologically and in the real sense of the term. I blame the wacky warm spell we had in January that gave us all hope that spring would come early and warm chilled bones. I can apply that in both senses as well.

Lent has forced me to see things with a fresh new look. One of the things I sacrificed was Facebook, and I cant help to notice the day by day difference it has made. Ive harped against the evil of internet and how it sucks you in, but despite spouting good words, I was caught in it (again). I was on fb every day, multiple times a day. Especially with the fact that I am not currently employed (please pray for me, were getting kind of desperate), it was like a whirlpool that would suck me in and steal hours of time away from me. So I gave it up, and Im happy to report I havent gone back on my pledge.

I deleted the app on my phone so as to not have temptation right in my face, and for the first few days, I cannot tell you how many times I automatically opened the folder to open fb. It takes a couple seconds to kick in after fruitlesly looking for that blue square with the white F that I dont have it anymore. The very first day was like semi torture, to be honest. And ok, the second as well. I would think of something then think, that would make a great status. Eventually, that started to fade away, thank God. It was also a moment of realization that we are truly in a world of over sharing, over exposure, and complete misunderstanding as to what should be private and what shouldnt. I started to think more, philosophize more, rather than share. And the moment became more beautiful and intense.

For example, one night I was outside on my balcony. I had been there for a few minutes, doing what I was doing, and suddenly, these big giant flurries started to come down. It was the type of snow that seemed magical, so loud yet so empty of sound. I was the only one outside and I was shaken by the instant winter beauty that I was suddenly surrounded by. It was like, the silence and peace of my heart seemed to co-exist with nature and cause this mini tempest, like nature was creating this in response to what I was feeling. My first thought after staring for a few moments was, I have to post about this! But of course, I didnt. So I kept on watching, breathing, and kept that moment in my heart, just for me, like a little gift from God, un petit miracle, une petite merveille.

And that is just one out of a million little things that I suddenly payed more attention to. Ive been making more things, and seeing more people. Doing things Ive said I was going to do, when I said I was going to do it. Despit the shortage of income, life has been good.

Jeff and I have discussed and settled on a plan for the future. We both want to go back to school, and he has picked his program and when he is to start. I on the other hand, am still unsure what it is that I should be doing. I think that my impatience and, to be honest, jealousy/bitterness at not being with child (jealousy part because one of my closest friends is pregnant) is limiting what I should be feeling. Its hard for me to admit these negative feelings, because I work hard at trying to make people believe that everything is ok, everything is fine, when really I feel like Im being surrounded by a storm that just wont go away. Thankfully, those dark feelings only surge momentarily and are few in between. Accepting what is, changing what can be changed, and knowing the difference and what not. The light outshines the dark.

I am eager to see, when Easter comes about, how much more different life will be, or rather how my heart will have changed.